My family visited me this past weekend and while it was great to see everyone, the weekend was filled with unease, resentment, and conflict.
I never really thought about my past but recently, my dark past emerged in my memory. This was evidenced by my uncontrollable outbursts with my mom.
To provide you with some context, just last year, I got really sick when I had a falling out with my mom. While my mom was doing her usual “shutting down” to protect herself, I was a hot mess emotionally which created so much unnecessary drama.
I am logical and smart, but I could not understand or explain my upheavals and uncontrollable rage that I had toward my mom.
I ultimately believe these emotions were what caused my health issues and led to my hospitalization.
Emotional Triggers Can Cause Lupus to Flare
I am the youngest of 4 kids. I have two older brothers and a fraternal twin sister.
As an immigrant, I came to the states when I was 10 years old. Just prior to that, the four of us kids were in Korea staying at my maternal grandmother’s home for about a year.
My grandmother was an alcoholic and the living conditions there weren’t nearly as nice as when we lived with our parents.
Our parents came to the states first to get all the immigration documents in place to bring the four of us. It was a necessary evil, but my siblings and I agree that it was a traumatic time for us.
My father was born as the youngest of four kids and was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. His father, my grandfather, was very wealthy and when he died, he left my dad as the Vice President of a very successful construction company.
My uncle was the President of the company and from what I understand, he gambled all the money away when my grandfather died. Because of this, my dad knew he needed to flee for better opportunities in the United States.
Misfit and Rebellious
As a young girl, I was constantly compared to my sister. I was the ugly duckling and my sister was the ideal, pretty counterpart.
I don’t think it bothered me much, as I was always full of imagination and curiosity, too busy to be obedient to my mom.
While my sister was always quiet, clean, and pretty, I was the outspoken, disheveled, and spunky one, always getting into trouble.
To provide you with some perspective, I grew up in a family where male superiority was a thing. Girls were supposed to be obedient and meek, and I was far from that stereotype.
My mom always emphasized my sister’s beauty but reminded me that I was the smart one. But being smart was not a trait that was highly regarded at that time.
I don’t think this bothered me until I was going through puberty.
So when we were left in Korea when I was just 8 years old, I remember how lonely and vulnerable we were. My grandmother could not handle my rambunctious nature and I was always getting into trouble.
To go from well cared for to an alcoholic grandmother with no caretaking skills was the hardest thing for a young girl.
This is the trauma I believe was the seed of all my emotional woes.
Emotional Wounds and Lupus
I tried so hard to live up to my mom’s expectations all my life. Education is highly emphasized in my culture and as a young woman, I didn’t have any interest in getting married.
I wanted to be a successful, independent career oriented woman.
Because my brothers and sister married early, I was the only one left at home.
My parents fought a lot and whenever I would come home during the weekends from grad school, I would be left to mediate their fights.
My mom lived vicariously through me. She was super proud of what I was becoming.
It meant everything to me to make my mom happy. Her love was something that I sought after, especially because I believed that my sister was her favorite.
During my last year in Doctoral studies I became sick. For the first time, I frequented the hospital emergency room and grew progressively sick.
I was diagnosed with Lupus and to me, this meant that I was now “broken”.
Quickly after, I fell into depression and felt so ashamed. I went from a confident and happy young woman to a fearful and depressed Lupus patient.
I met a man and for the first time, I was rejected by his parents. They said I had an incurable disease that could take my life away. My ex husband fought for me and we eventually got married and had two kids.
I lived my life by default. Because I felt I was broken, I lived helpless and tried my best to be the best wife who was meek and obedient.
But this was not who I was.
I had trouble in my marriage for over 12 years and then finally was divorced.
Healing from Lupus
For the last 5 years, I’ve been working on my mental and emotional health.
I realized that my Lupus had an emotional root.
This was the epiphany I had last year when I got sick after my emotional encounter with my mom.
I was able to recover from a near death experience.
The Doctors could not explain what had happened. Lupus was certainly regarded as the cause of my illness, but they didn’t know what to make of my recovery.
I was followed 6 months post recovery by an infectious disease doctor, Rheumatologist, and an Oncologist. I haven’t needed any medications during this speedy recovery.
We found that my Lupus ultimately was completely in remission to a level where it is now considered indeterminate on the AVISE testing.
Healing is an Inside Job
I incorporated Functional Medicine in my healing process for sure, but I also incorporated mental/emotional work to shift my paradigm to serve me better and create a better outcome for myself.
I’ve uncovered so much about myself and currently continue to strive toward healing to cultivate self regard, love, and respect.
At the end of the day, this is the human experience and all I want to do is share the tools with you to not only heal Lupus, but to help you finally realize how much power we all have.
Instead of living at the effect of Lupus, how about if we live life on our terms?
All it takes is a paradigm shift.
This is the process I guide you through in my Lupus Health Revolution program.
We just recently closed enrollment and I am so excited to take this first class through this amazing journey.
We will open enrollment for this program every so often, so click HERE to be added to our waitlist so you can be informed right when enrollment opens.
Thank you so much for reading my blog.
See you next time.