Self Love is The Missing Ingredient to Your Healing

by | May 7, 2021 | Lupus Blog | 0 comments

Hey everybody! Thank you for joining me today. Today’s topic is a very important one. Today, I want to talk to you all about the missing ingredient to your healing. The number one missing ingredient in all of your lives is you self love. It’s your ability to show up for you, placing your hand on your heart, and doing things to feel good about yourself. What’s being perpetuated in our culture exists in every single one of us. In reality, you don’t feel so good about yourself, and that’s what’s being perpetuated in our culture. It exists in every single one of us.

It’s something that I want to bring awareness to, here in our autoimmune community. Last time I checked, 75 million people have pre-autoimmunity. It’s really becoming an epidemic. I have my master’s degree in public health and I studied epidemiology and it’s definitely becoming one of those things. After this past year, we all have some trauma. I want to share my experience with you. In my evolution, through elevating my consciousness and expanding my mind, I was able to understand my mother and father and that they, too, had traumatic events.

Trauma Erodes Self Love

My mother and father lived through being displaced, going hungry, and all of the anxiety that ensued from the Korean War. They were barely five or six years old, and this is when their brains were being formed. So, to go through that and blame them for how they raised me is completely unfair. That’s why I tell you, when we do the work, we come to a place where we forgive ourselves. We become so full of self love that we can extend the peace, creating joy that exists within us within this ecosystem. But, that can only be when you choose to come and occupy your own body.

Today, I do want to bring awareness to trauma. Trauma is a fact of life, but it does not have to be a way of life. It doesn’t have to be a life sentence. My autoimmune patients, 100% of them, including myself, live stuck to what we understand of ourselves based on the past conditioning. We live in memory of what we think we are, stepping into the identity of who we believe ourselves to be, rather than starting with a clean slate. That’s why, when you do this work, it really goes deeper than just healing autoimmunity. We don’t just make the dietary changes, doing this and that a little better, a little different, making this a little easier after just taking different medications.

Self Love is Missing

We really get to change the trajectory of our generation. The buck stops with us, as we become elevated to end all unnecessary suffering in the world. The missing ingredient to your healing is self love, regard, and respect. No matter what you think or say, that is the key factor missing in your life. I see it time and time again. It’s simply because it’s not something we were taught. We weren’t taught to be living from consciousness, be alive, and be self aware.

Many of us were indoctrinated into believing family values. We adapted to family and religion, as if we were born expected to fit into a box. If it works for you, that’s great. There’s no changing that. I’m not trying to dismiss any of your family values, but whatever perceptions you hold to be true are your interpretations based on what happened.

What stories are you choosing to tell based on the events that happened in your life? The truth is, we may be born into the same house, culture, religion, but based on our personal interpretations and perceptions, we may have completely different stories that play out in our lives. Case in point is my siblings and I. I’m the youngest of four. I have two older brothers and a twin sister. My twin sister does not have any autoimmune conditions.

Influenced By Indoctrination

We all have different perspectives of what happened when growing up. My sister doesn’t even life to talk about it, as if it’s something that she chose to bury deep within. It’s something we fight over a lot. In her efforts to protect and guard herself, there’s been a lot of hurt coming my way. I used to think I had a great personality and could absorb all that. But, through my divorce six years ago, I was able to understand where her mind was when she was looking at me. I could see how her trauma played out in her life, making me realized, wow, this is really deep stuff that I thought was under my control, but wasn’t.

The only reason why I tell you my story is so that, hopefully, you can see yourselves in the same thing. Stories help us to realize and put the mirror back to us. To talk about ourselves i something that is kind of frowned upon in our culture today. It was for me anyway, in my culture, but I’m hoping that through my being vulnerable, you can see yourselves in the process.

Our Childhood’s Impact on Self Love

Our parents were partial to some of us. Even thought the same scenarios or circumstances happened in our lives, what we made of it meant very different things. Personally, like I said, I’m the youngest of four. My twin sister lives to resent and blame me, our father, our mother, and our brothers for what happened to her. She chooses the meaning for her life. While she has a wonderful life, she’s managed to isolate herself. Her own kids now resist and resent her, since she’s playing out the same generational thing. She tries to control them, to feel safe. That’s something she claims that she never got in our childhood, but she longed for it.

My parents neglected and abandoned us to get life started here in the United States. In our young minds, when we were left behind in Korea with our alcoholic grandmother at six and seven, we didn’t have the ability to understand. My nephews and nieces, my sister’s children, are not very happy and struggle with her need to control them. Now, there’s a lot of rebellion going on and she’s really sad, trying to keep it together.

Like I said, my mom grew up in a very broken household, among unfathomable things. My grandmother was an alcoholic and was always struggling with her health. They had five girls and my grandfather had to get a concubine, because, back in the day in Korea, sons were so hard to come by. My mom was very rich and they had all of these assets, but God forbid they leave all of it to the girls. Back then, my mom was forbidden to get educated. It’s something that she resented her mom for. So, my mom had very conflicting relationships with my grandmother, who passed away.

Unresolved Trauma Has Physiological Effects

So understanding all of this, and then the sick codependency and chaos that ensued in her life, to create that need to control her kids, which played out in the manipulation and everything she did. In her mind, it was in our best interest. But, at the same time, I know that it’s subconscious to her, meaning that it’s not a conscious choice for her to do the things that she did. But, the deep wounds happened in my life, as a result of the way she parented.

Truth be told, I was good about striking it off. Even if something hurt bad, we were taught not to express our feelings in the household. We were taught that it was unproductive to cry, feel, and be “touchy-feely.” We were just taught to shrug it off, dust off, and go forward and do the next best thing. Me, being the sensitive one of the four kids, found this really, really hard.

I don’t know if you all know Dr. Terry Walls, who has MS. I studied with her, shoulder to shoulder, through the Institute of Functional Medicine. She speaks about lifestyle factors and talks about how stress is ultimately what perpetuates sickness. She talks about all the doing, like changing the diet, exercising, etc. But, while diet, exercise, and meditation are good things, many of you have monkey minds to contend with, not to mention the unresolved emotional traumas and wounds that must be pulled up to the surface of awareness. Without being aware, you won’t be able to finally metabolize, detoxify, and eliminate.

Cultivating Self Love, Regard, and Respect

There’s a process by which you do that. It’s called somatosensory physiological work. It’s a certain way to do that, through your breath and movement, to bring it up into your body. Understand that you’re stuck in this fight or flight, highly anxious state of being, according to the polyvagal theory. The cost of autoimmunity in our lives extends far beyond the monetary value. I know that if I had an encouraging mentor, who would guide me when I was lost, when I was first diagnosed and was told what I’m teaching you now, my life would have turned out very differently.

If I had that, I wouldn’t have been circling around for 18 years trying to figure it all out. I wouldn’t have had to try to piece together all of the missing pieces, doing only surface work, like I did for so many years. The surface-level work only provides marginal benefit to healing. All of you have the deep-seated wounds and traumas. If left unnoticed, while the expert practitioners preach what they understand about diets, supplements, medications, and exercise, all of that doing won’t change your identity of being.

That’s why we have to shift your identity at the deep root level. Confidence in yourself, being unapologetically you and true to your core being, is exactly what’s lacking in your lives. We’re programmed and conditioned to be who we are. So, we must get clear on what those characteristics are and where we are, in order to move the needle towards where we want to go. Again, that brings us to self love. Cultivating that is the real work.

Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself

Our childhood is where the subconscious mind is formed. 90% of what you do, day in and day out, comes from your subconscious mind. It’s the habituation. If you know Joseph Dispenza’s work, he talks about breaking the habit of being yourself, because habituation is what keeps us stuck. Many of us are stuck, in suffering and pain, perpetuating this disease. I need you to master your being. What are you committed to do? Who do you need to be to make that happen? You have to get clear on the answers to these questions.

Many of your minds will gloss over them and not want to answer them, but I need you to really pay attention and even write it down. Who would you be if you had a North star? What is the vision of your life, and can you even fathom what it looks like? When you set out to drive somewhere, you have to be clear about where you’re going. For me to drive from here, in Georgia, to Miami, Florida, I have to set the destination in my GPS, so it’ll give me the route by which I’ll get there in the most effective and efficient way. Any road will get me there, but I don’t know where I’ll end up.

Being Before Doing

That’s how most of you are living. You must work from your North star, not to it, whatever that may be. If you can’t define what that looks like, you’ll just blindly go and try these different things. That’s what leaves you to spin on your wheel. What has been your biggest blind spot? You blind spots tend to keep you trapped. How you do something is how you do everything. The content for the context really matters in everything you do and how you show up for yourselves in your life.

Lastly, you must create a new way of being, to do the things that align with your true identity, to the core. Stop working from your old identity. Choose to recreate your new identity. That’s the work. Whether you work with me in my Autoimmune Health Transformation program, I still provide you with enough to think about to shift the way of being. Don’t be busy doing all of the things. It only helps to an extent. Doing is the only the content, but you need the context by which you show up.

You have to be first, to do the thing to have the health you want. You can’t wish on a North star, thinking that if only you had health right now, then and only then you would do, to be the person you need to be. That’s working backwards. That’ll never work, because you will always revert to who you are being in that moment. That subconscious, inner work, requires you to have someone, like me, to mentor you through the process.

Going Deeper to Find Self Love

Everyone that works with me in the AHT program is not just doing surface-level work. They’re truly being empowered to live out their best selves, and that affects their autoimmunity. It changes the way they look at themselves and their relationship with autoimmunity becomes one of empowerment, not matter what. Commitment to themselves is what I hold them to. That’s the work for 12 months.

I give them the pieces of the puzzle, the whole Alkaline Method. We work on the subconscious mind, shifting it to a healthier state, with all of the tools. Week by week, month by month, we work on what that shift looks like, fully understanding, owning, and stepping into their power. They claim responsibility for what they create in the first, subconscious mind element. Then, the second element is all about being conscious to all of the things happening in their lives. Through the three pillars of that, I help them make that shift from sick to health, understanding that life is a full spectrum.

Through this work, you never lose sight of the joy that you feel from the inside out. You no longer live subject to the circumstances of your life. Instead, you end up becoming the creator of your own life. That’s the biggest gift I can give you. The third element is all about my knowledge base. It’s all of the didactic trainings that I have in psychology, nutrition, physical medicine, functional medicine, energy medicine, and yoga. All of these things that I know how to pull together to get down to your neurogenic effects. We address the psychosomatic, utilizing different tests, supplements, and herbals that I give you, along with the diet.

Living in a State of Panic

Now, that becomes something you do from a place of the context, which we’ve already shifted through the first two elements. The content can now become easily adopted. You’re coming at it from a place of being the person you need to now, adapting and applying the things that you need. Do you have clarity in knowing exactly what you’re doing?

There’s never chaos, overwhelm, confusion, or contradiction. Finally, you come home to you and understand that you’ve been neglecting yourself to numb the pain. Before, you didn’t know how to feel what you were supposed to feel. Finally, the last element is all about timeless wisdom. It’s all about me teaching you how to touch, feel, and be present in the here and now. I teach you how to be a little more aware of the ecosystem and earth around you. I teach you a little bit about the vagal tonality by which we can observe things happening in our central nervous system, the autonomic nervous system.

There’s a panic button that’s been turned on for so long that’s wreaking havoc within. We have to go to the subconscious, move forward into the conscious, apply the modern medicine, and come full circle to the timeless wisdom. That becomes a spectrum and the journey. It’s a complete journey to make you whole and bring you into alignment with all of the things in your environment.

Somatic Experiencing

I want to introduce you to a concept I learned from Dr. Levine. He developed the idea of somatic experiencing. He talks about the way we experience our physiological experience based on our psychological impact. It tends to be that self-protective motor response, which releases pent-up energy. We become stuck in this survival mode and it becomes abound in the body as trauma. Then, it manifests as different symptoms.

We can relive the trauma over and over again, completely subconscious to us. We’re so attached because we were incapable of allowing it to surface or metabolize. It can be full of shame, guilt, fear, and anxiety. So much so, that we want to repress those feelings. We’re taught not to look at those. It’s an approach that gently nudges and guides you to develop increasing tolerance for difficult bodily sensations and repressed emotions. That’s the work that brings things to the surface.

I have a puppy and I love animals. I respect them, and all life really. Dr. Levine studied how animals discharge the shock. It’s a primitive brain thing, for them to discharge the stress. He studied the trauma and stress on the animal nervous system. He realized that animals are constantly under the threat of death, yet show no symptoms of trauma. Trauma, he discovered, has to do with the third survival response to the perceived threat, which is to freeze.

I live in the country and we have a lot of deer around us and they do this. When there’s a noise or the delivery man comes, my dog instantly freezes. It’s a primitive response to stop and listen for the threat, almost playing dead. When fight or flight are not options, we freeze. We immobilize. That’s what happens in the animal kingdom.

Self Love Comes from Childhood

It makes us less of a target, but this reaction is time sensitive. In other words, it needs to run its course. The massive energy that was prepared for fight or flight gets discharged through shakes and trembling. If the immobile phase doesn’t complete, then that charge stays trapped. From the body’s perspective, it’s still under the threat. That’s what his work wraps around – the somatic experiencing method. It works to release the stored, pent-up energy and turn off the threat alarm, as it causes server deregulation and dissociation. Many of you are dissociated from your body, because it’s so hard to feel what it feels. it’s one of the side effects of the trauma that’s trapped in the body.

I want to introduce you to the work that I apply through the modern medicine element of the Alkaline method. It’s highly neuroscientific and it’s called the polyvagal theory. The vagal nerve is key to understand to fully heal our trauma and restore health back to our nervous system. Let’s talk about humans versus animals. As humans, we are full of emotions. We have attachment and the ability to communicate and get information about connective and survival mechanisms.

If you’ve ever had kids, you know this. I breastfed both of my boys. When I had them in my arms and they were anxious, the looked to the connection. Locking my eyes with theirs, they would latch on, and I’m able to soothe and calm their nervous system as their mother. That’s the right response.

Neural Circuits for Regular Functioning

Many of us were not afforded that kind of love. We might’ve had something happen in our childhood, where we were neglected, orphaned, or whatever happened. The vagal nerve is our parasympathetic nervous system. It’s the part of our nervous system responsible for slowing down. There are three neural circuits for regular functioning. First, like I talked about before, is immobilization, like freezing during life-threatening situations.

Second is mobilization. You move, have interests, energy, and inspiration. The third neural circuitry regulated by the parasympathetic nervous system is social engagement and connection. Like I said, as infants, there’s that part of us that needs to be primed to learn and connect with our mothers. That’s why this work and group that I’ve created is so much about that connection that you never had.

I provide you with a safe space to be open about your traumatic wounds. You can be seen, heard, and loved here, which is something you might not have received from your personal upbringing. Now, you’re able to afford that insight. This is why I’m so selective with who comes into my program. I really believe that we’re the average of the five people we surround ourselves with. If you’re like most, we surround ourselves, by default, with what is around us. Usually, it’s not the people that are elevated in their consciousness.

Our Natural Gravitation Towards the Easy

It’s like watching a bucket of crabs. When one of them starts to crawl up to get outside of the bucket, the rest of the crabs pull it back down. Everybody around you subconsciously does not want you to change. They don’t want to bring awareness to their hurt or lack of ability to consciously evolve and grow. When they see you doing things for your health, like getting on a diet and doing different things, you’ll find that people around you resists.

You especially see this in spouses. The wife wants to lose weight, but the husband is so used to her being overweight and miserable. All of a sudden, when she starts to look and feel good, it becomes a threat to him, or reveals how lazy he might be. If he’s unwilling, he doesn’t want her to do any better. This is subconscious. It’s not that he’s a bad person, it’s just the way we’re primed to be, as human beings. We like what’s familiar, safe, effective, efficient, and easy. That’s the part I need you to understand.

In our parasympathetic nervous system, many of us our in a high tone state. We’re shut down, immobilized, and in a state of shock. That pathway prepares us for preservation of energy, in preparation for us to decipher if we’re in the threatening condition. I know that I’m locked into that state and I’ve been locked in for so long. When I hear anything, I flinch. When I rive, I become very reactive and my heart rate goes up. Everything becomes a life or death situation. It has me in high speed.


I know that this is the way for many of you too. There’s an anxiety about you. The other side of the spectrum is complete lethargy and adrenal fatigue. It’s a complete depletion of energy, depression, and reservation. This is all part of the parasympathetic nervous system and there’s different branches to it. It’s highly scientific.

Based on the psychosomatic therapy, there’s two types of orienting. First is defensiveness. If there’s a loud noise or potential threat, you have to figure out. So, you have to listen, like animals in the wild. When someone comes to the house, my dog orients himself defensively to see who it is. He starts to bark.

The second part of orienting is explorative. This is when you take in what’s around you, being present in the here and now. Listening to the bird chirping, appreciating the sun’s rays, looking at the moon, watching the sunrise or sunset, and enjoying being in the moment with other people. Those are the two types of orienting. In a healthy system, we don’t have to think about the two. We look both ways and we’re able to be flexible.


But, if we had childhood trauma, where we felt unsafe and bad things happened to us and we survived them, we become highly anxious and stuck in the cycle of defensive orienting. Our environment is under constant attack. It keeps us in this stress response, where we’re always looking around, being anxious, hyper-vigilant, and hypersensitive. Many of you become hypersensitive to chemicals, makeup, and even food. That’s what I want you guys to understand. It’s biologic, yes, driven by the parasympathetic nervous system, the vagal tone. How you modulate that is largely an inside job. That is why I call healing an inside job.

I hope you enjoyed this week’s message. If you did, please subscribe to our Mind Your Health podcast and my YouTube channel. Make sure to join my private Facebook group, the Tribe of Autoimmune Health Rebels, as well. May 24-27, I will be hosting a 4 Day Empowered Healing Retreat for Autoimmunity. Click here to sign up.

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