There are times when you just don’t feel like it. In this blog, let’s talk about what to do during those times. As many of you know, I’ve kind of gone through this really bad flare that came out of nowhere. While I thought that I was doing all the right things and taking care of my health and making it a priority, despite all my efforts, my health completely declined. There were many reasons as to why and I’m going to share it here.
Go Through What You Go Through
First, I just want to go through what we really go through when we are completely shut down from our ability to perform in our daily life. The psychological trauma, the identity shift, and all the things that pull us down during those times is something that I want us to talk about.
As a clinician, I used to get really frustrated with patients when they wouldn’t comply, knowing fully well, what things would serve them.
But despite what they know, it wasn’t always easy for them to comply with what I said. And I never understood why, because as a very disciplined person, everything sort of was easy if I wanted and set the goals. That was with the understanding that I had my health supporting me.
For example, when I wanted to meditate every day, I had this throbbing headache ongoing which would swish in my year so bad that I couldn’t get away from it. After a while, it just really set me off to a point where I was angry because of it.
Thus, to sit in meditation sounds easy, but not when your body is working against you to send you some pain signals all along perpetually.
How Does It Feel?
These are some things and obstacles that I never really realized that my patients were dealing with until I dealt it with them myself. I was able to push through no matter what I was going through. Before, I can rely on my body to bounce back and do what it’s supposed to do. But a month, two, three, and then after a year later, it just became a state of being where my physical body was declining. Not to mention the morphological changes that I had to experience in my own body and even on my face.
It was a very shocking experience for me. Every time I would look in the mirror and see the reflection of myself, I couldn’t recognize that person. I didn’t like what I saw and I just kind of didn’t know it, but subconsciously I was braiding myself and I was hating myself. I was having all kinds of negative conversations telling myself, “Oh my goodness, this is not what I like. “
So my focus was all about how much I wanted to get out of feeling this way, but no matter what I tried, what motivation and inspiration I would summon up, I couldn’t do the thing because physically I wasn’t able to do the things I was supposed to do.
For example, I’m a Yogi, but practicing yoga and just the simple downward dog, because of my hypertension during the time, would just send so much of a throbbing headache down my head and it worsened everything. Due to that, I couldn’t even do the yoga that I loved. I had no livelihood during that time and day after day. It became such a devastating ordeal to deal with some days I didn’t even want to wake up.
Shame and Grace
I know that all of us are really having a hard time. And sometimes going through these challenging times, we just have to sort of face it. It was sort of to detach from what was. I really accept what is so that we can allow what is going on in our lives and in our physical body so that we can kind of push through and offer ourselves grace.
We can sort of work through so that we can show up in our lives productively, as best as we could without expectations. Because the truth is that when all is well, it’s easy to do all the things that we say we will do, right?
I can now recognize how easy I had it. So I wanted to go back to who I was when I was really sick. Because the sickness took away all my ability to show up in my life. I couldn’t show up the way I used to show up and that was devastating.
There was a time where I really had to mourn the loss of who I was and let go of who I was to step into who I am right now. I offered myself grace and just kind of pushed through this time.
Accept The Fact
It really was all about getting used to being sick.
However, I’ve never been so sick, even though I’ve lived with autoimmunity for 22 years. I realized just how boastful I became because health was something that was a passion of mine ever since I was in school. It was something easy for me until I really got sick, despite all my healthy efforts.
Sometimes, the control was out of my hands and I had to accept the fact that it wasn’t going to be on my terms. I had to go through and then had to ask myself, how do I want to show up despite what I was going through?
Being sick caused a lot of depression and anxiety. It was a tremendous identity shift from a high achieving productive person to a completely swollen person who’s unable to do anything. Simple daily tasks were difficult for me at that time. I had to really transition and offer myself grace by being okay with being sick.
Feel of Shame
For that time, I had gone through lots of shame. There was a lot of guilt for the people in my life because I felt like I was a downer to them all the time. I offered myself no grace at that time and I just braided myself for not being able to. Then, I have to really stop and think if I had a best friend who was going through what I was going through, would I be this mean to that person? The answer was absolutely not.
I would be there to support her and give her compassion, and show her grace and talk her through. I had to have that same conversation with myself and learn how to give myself grace. You need that because the cycle of emotions that I had to go through was started with a lot of shame. Then, the shame went into guilt. Around how to those people that I’m not showing up for.
The New Self
Just being sick made me guilty. To all the people that I loved that really led me into depression, where I didn’t want to do anything. I felt like no matter what I did, there was no getting better.
There was no improvement, which then turned into anxiety over, “Oh my goodness, what’s going to happen to me?” Then, confusion as to exactly what I need to be doing here now. All those times, I thought I was completely taken away. It was really a death to my old self. So I had to emerge as the new self. It was really a forced transformation. I didn’t like who I was becoming and the state of guilt and shame; that’s just the opposite of who I used to be.
The Definition of Grace
Therefore, I decided that I don’t want to be that person. I started to ask myself questions about how I can be better and how I can show up better for my kids. I did the best I could and learned what true grace was.
The definition of grace is courteous, goodwill and understanding.
That’s what I needed to learn. I took a nap without guilt and shame when I needed to. I was able to not push myself to exercise or do yoga when I didn’t, or couldn’t not just feel like. But I just couldn’t get on the mat and it just didn’t feel good because everything hurt. I really had to define how I feel and why I feel so bad about myself. I had to go deep within myself to define what shame was.
The Key To Go Through
As I learned, shame is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.
So I decided that whatever is going on physically within me, that makes me show up not quite the way I want, I need to shift that shame into something more productive.
Offering myself grace and just being sick for here and now, and understanding that what happened is okay, is a big step towards betterness. Because to offer myself grace, the Goodwill to become passionate towards myself was key for me to go through.
When you feel well, and there is light at the end of the tunnel, it’s easier. But in chronic illnesses, sometimes that end is so far away. You feel like you’ll never get there.
Your mind will play tricks to really sort of prefer the negative feelings and just really being a state of self destruction. I felt myself going through that spiral as well.
I just want to tell you, who are going through the hardest time right now, that it is okay to suffer. It’s like, you have to be okay with the sucky understanding that you are lovable no matter what it doesn’t change.
Who you are, you’re even more lovable that you need more grace. I want to give you guys a virtual hug for those of you who are going through the hardest times, because I understand. I see you and there is no reason for you to feel shame, guilt or any of the negative feelings you might be having.
But just simply observe yourself and offer yourself more understanding so that you can sort of be where you are. As opposed to where you think you ought to be and just go through what you go through. But don’t be destructive to yourself, just observe what it is.
Just know that sometimes we go through storms and storms do pass. Some storms of yours are longer than others, but we know the sun will always shine.
There is a rainbow that appears after a heavy rain.
So that’s something I want you to really recognize and I think it would help for you to know that I went through that as well.
It was a long journey and that perseverance, that constant ability to see the truth for what is. As opposed to all the drama that we drum up, just negating ourselves out of habit is something. I want you to recognize because every opportunity or every obstacle is an opportunity for elevated consciousness and growth.
I truly believe autoimmunity provides us with the ability to really appreciate those things in life that are truly important. It really cuts away all the noise and allows us to be real, truthful and authentic with ourselves.
You Are Not Alone
Again, virtual hugs to every single one of you who are going through tough times. There is light at the end of the tunnel ticket from me. Even if you think there is none, I am here to tell you definitely there is, and you can do this!
I’d love to help you to do so. So CLICK HERE and see if those programs are anything that resonates with you.
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Once again, thank you so much for reading this week’s blog. See you next time!